I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Genius idea!!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.