Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.