Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
It’s a gift
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.