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[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Don’t talk down to me
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses