my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*