See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster