Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.