Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
O Wise One….
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?