My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Hero horse inspires millions
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes