My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what