I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!