Pandas 🐼🖤
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day