First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.