Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You Might Also Like
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*