Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL