David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Just had my nails done!
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.