My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.