❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
girls literally only want one thing..
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Get off my horse you stupid moon
synchronized noseblowing
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.