[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Why is everyone getting married at me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.