Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.