Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
No, I don’t think I will.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.