2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.