“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
2022 will be better than 2021
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.