I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.