This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.