When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Oh we’ve met.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this