I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo