When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
You Might Also Like
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
first you must answer his riddles
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary