Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You Might Also Like
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes