He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”