My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say