Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.