Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
You Might Also Like
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Owl Sanctuary
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Breaking news:
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’