I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
🤣🤣💀
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.