Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
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Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“That’s what” – She
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m going to need a moment here.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
That was easy.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this