*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect