My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
You Might Also Like
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.