Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
That’s not how days work.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan