gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Duck typos.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread