This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
who wore it better?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.