Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.![]()
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The future is now.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
my first dose meeting my second
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
nothing saves money like being antisocial