Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old