Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes