π€·π½ββοΈπ€¦π½ββοΈπ©
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
#ParentingFacts
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My daughter gets all bossy when weβre playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when sheβs at school I play with them the way I want.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My wife asked me if she had any βannoyingβ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
When people say βYouβre beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.β
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I feel like movies exaggerate menβs enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Dragon fire canβt melt stone pillars. Kingβs Landing was an inside job.
Iβd grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
There is no “we” in pizza
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Yep, it’s trueππΌπππ