If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.