Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*