Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.