When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
These 3D printers are insane!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.