Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.