The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*